All worthy things require endurance and sacrifice.  Perseverance. 

Too quickly do we cite our "needs".  Not that they don't exist, but hey.... sometimes, we should not only go without, but realize that going without produces a different kind of growth, and a tolerance which may be necessary in later stages....all the while not forgetting that it is not to callous us from forgetting our needs altogether, for they are to be met one day.

Whether that day is soon or far away is not for us to know....it is only for us to endure with faith.

Nothing incredibly profound today.  Just wanted to throw something out into the world rather than a two sentence tweet or a crummy facebook update.

I'm in a place in my life where the options have suddenly flung wide open, and I have no idea what to do with my life.  Where will I be a year from now?  Not entirely sure.  Asia?  The US?  Boston?  New York?  Almost every other day I'm turning over in my head where the future lies....wondering whether I've spent each hour for the right purposes, often just watching my life pass me by as decisions are made, or rather indecision continues to reign.

And yet I feel at peace now.  Peace that I haven't felt in a long time.  People often fret at things that they feel they haven't accomplished by a certain age....and while I may not have a ton to show for it on the outside (I have essentially negative money if you count loans/bills, I haven't "started" my career yet in ministry, my career in music has thus far been relatively unsuccessful if I consider what we hoped would happen), all it takes is a moment here, a moment there, where I realize that I've come very far in my journey.....that the tumult and lack of wisdom I felt in certain areas has grown into a greater awareness of my frailty, a greater acceptance of the differences between people, and the realization of the power and potential that I do have, if I will just let go of the idea that anything at all is under my control.

One thing that is quite different is that I have realized how horrible I really am.  I mean, truly, truly, horrible and selfish.  Selfishness so often disguises itself as passion, care, even love....it is nearly inescapable how often I become possessive of that which is not even mine. 

But on the flip side of the coin I've really come to realize that I'm truly likable and beloved.  God has made me into a special sort of person, and at moments I see how my horrifying personality can also be a good thing if I let God lead it forth and not get in the way too much....

Still, I feel like I'm wasting time.  I feel like I am supposed to be living in a different manner than I am now....but I could be wrong too.  It does seem like this is where I should be....I think I just am a wee bit restless in the grind right now....

I suspect that 6 more months will bring far more clarity to the picture...until then I'm content to just try to study a wee bit more than I have been....(which hasn't been too bad, for those concerned for my academic well-being)...

So much more is going on in the inner world than in the mere physical occurrences of our movements, speech, possessions and habits.

I've wasted so much time on these, and have wasted my energies on fruitless things.  Socializing, entertainment, physical fitness....these are but ornaments that accentuate existence and make living life more enjoyable.  Academics....you are doing nothing but increasing tools for the task, not doing the task itself.

The hardest thing is to actually invest in the important things.  Something always seems to interfere as you navigate and try to find the best balance to harmonize your existence.

I've been fairly nocturnal the past few days, staying up until 4 or 5 AM, tonight might be later....but it strangely enough has given me energy and more strength within its solitude.... the only thing missing these days is a personal space to be creative, which I realize I need very badly...perhaps this is something I will have to remedy when I return from China.